December 30th, 2010

    It's strange for me to wake up this early during the holidays, especially after playing basketball for four hours. I woke up at seven this morning because of some nightmare, but I can't really recall what actually occurred in the dream. The only elements that I remember from the dream are death and loneliness. It was a dark dream, both in its context and its meaning. I know I'm troubled by something right now, but I don't believe that something so simple would shock me.
    Things aren't going very well for me today. I've been doing so many chores and I'm getting a little frustrated at my mom. I really don't like how she want to control every little detail about my life and I hate how she tries to exert her control.
    There are several other reasons that constituted my bad day. I'm not gaining any weight and it's almost the end of the holiday. My skin is also getting too dry and there are wounds all over my hands. I don't like how the day is going, I just want to go to bed.

December 29th, 2010

    I woke up today not knowing what was going to happen. It was as if the whole day was composed of surprises and unexpected events. I woke up at around 10:30 in the morning not knowing what I was supposed to do, so I did some calculus homework. It was not long before I realised that the basketball team was having practice at two in the after at UMC. It was a sudden call up but I made it to UMC at around 2:20 after eating a very quick lunch.
    I never knew playing basketball could be that interesting. It has been a long time since I shot three point shots. I really miss the feeling you get when you make them.
    I left UMC  at around six thirty and went to eat dinner with my family. I barely did anything after eating dinner. The day just ended like that without anything major happening.
    I really miss her though. She isn't online and she isn't picking up the phone. She is probably too tired and well asleep. Let me leave her some peace tonight.

December 28th, 2010

    Today was a pretty amazing day. Many things happened and there were many special memories that were created today. It was the first time we went out alone that didn't happen around school. We went out to the movies together and it was amazing. Interaction between us increased and the relationship between us seemed to change. I really don't know the actual status of our relationship, but I'm sure I really want to know.
    Things aren't going well though. We don't have much time together and I really want to spend more time with her. Even though I want to spend more time with her, it doesn't seem very possible at the moment. She is in the second semester of her junior year and she has to prepare for SATs and college application essays.
    Things in life never go as you want them to go.

December 27th, 2010

    Today was a really strange day. Things didn't go as well as planned but it didn't seem as if I missed out as much of today as I expected. The basketball team was supposed to practice at UMC this morning, but I overslept. Practice was supposed to start at nine but I slept until 10:30. I really wanted to go to today's practice session because the whole team was going as well as Mr. Rick and some alumni form PAS. Today's practice is a big event but I missed out on it. I kind of regret not waking up early enough, but that's just how life is. Things just don't go as they want you to go, but life seems to compensate you in some strange way.
    I also went to Costco today, which was a very pleasant experience. My family spent 8200 NT on food, beverages, fruits, drinks, and laundry detergent. It was a really happy period of time that I spent with my family. Looking back at this past semester, I figured I haven't spent much time with my family. Maybe that's what I should focus on now, before I go to college.

December 26th, 2010

    It's the alumni party today and I'm not very certain about what will happen today. I woke up like nothing was going to happen today and got ready for the alumni party in a hurry. I arrived at the location and I was a few people there. More and more PAS alumni arrived and talking started up everywhere. There were so many faces that I haven't seen for so long. I was really happy to see these people come back. The alumni shared their experiences in college and I had a better understanding of how college life.
    Nothing else really happened today. Well, I was deeply bothered by one thing. The essay that we were supposed to write for our winter holiday. I wrote until two o'clock in the morning before I went to bed. It was a really brain consuming essay.

December 23th, 2010

    Today is a very wonderful day. Well, a somewhat wonderful one at least. I got my TOEFL scores today, I bought a really nice novel, I played basketball with a whole bunch of people, and I went to lunch with so many people that were once in our school. We gathered up at UMC this morning to play basketball and to improve basketball skills. We also met up to socialize and talk about how college life worked. Albert, Ching, Wilson, Alex, Eugene, Jolio, and Young were all alumni that I met today. I'm really glad that I met these people today because I got a better understanding of how college life is and I'm getting more anxious about going to college.
    Cleaning was the other big part of my day today. We were cleaning our old bookshelves today and I was so tired that I can barely move my hands now. Moving whole stacks of books around a house isn't a very easy task and it is energy consuming. I really want to go to bed and get a good night sleep, but I still have somebody I'm waiting for online.

December 22th, 2010

    It was a really tiring day today. I had to do cleaning until eleven o'clock at night. Even though there wasn't much to clean, it still took me a long time because it was all stuff from the past that I didn't want to throw away. Those were objects that contained my childhood memories, memories that I didn't to throw away. Even though I wanted to keep these memories, they had to go. There was no longer enough room in the house to keep these old objects because more and more documents and papers had to be preserves for future reference. There is a really amazing feeling when it comes to viewing old objects that one once possessed. You feel as if you are living your life again and you feel a sensation that is hard to explain to other people. I just love going through old stuff and living through my life again.
    Tomorrow is going to be a really busy day because I have so many activities that I have to do. I have to play basketball in the morning, eat lunch with a whole bunch of friends, clean the house in the afternoon, type an essay at night, and try keep in touch with her throughout the whole day. I just hope I can make it.

December 21th, 2010

    Today is another day for cleaning the house. I woke up early today for some really odd reason. Somebody called me on my cellphone and started speaking some odd language to me. I couldn't go back to sleep after picking up the phone, it was a really strange call. Strange things happen these days. Cleaning today went really smoothly and we got the job done at around 7:10. Even though it took us less time than the day we cleaned before, today seemed to be more tiring as well.
    I really don't like how things are going on these days. Our relationship seems to be stuck and I have a feeling that she is trying to avoid me in any way she can. I really don't know how our relationship will continue but I believe that we should just let it go naturally.
    To be honest, I'm just really worried about January, when she comes back.

December 20th, 2010

    I had to go to Taipei today because I have to understand how I should apply for an Australian universities and I also need to understand the requirements in order for me enroll in one of the Australian universities. After the meeting with the counselor, I noted that there were great difference between the Common Wealth educational system and the American system. If I want to enroll in an Australian university, I would have to go through another application process and I don't want to think about that at all. I also went to send out some score reports for my IELTS testing. It was a long process because we had to fill large amounts of forms in order to send out the score reports.

December 19th, 2010

    Today was a really rough day. I woke up at ten and I went to bed at four in the morning. It's almost time for Chinese New Year and we don't have much time to clean the house after Christmas break, so my mom decided that we would spend the Christmas break cleaning the house. It was really tiring. We started the whole process with cleaning bed rooms, sorting out our clothes, and cleaning the bathrooms. That was what we did for the whole day. We cleaned floor, the shelves, and we also threw away all the old stuff that we no longer need. It was really tiring.
    I don't like cleaning but there is nothing I can do about it. If I don't clean, my mom will probably kick me out of the house. My thoughts aren't being processed very well at the moment. I think I'll just leave it here for today. I got a big day tomorrow so I better go get some sleep.

December 16th, 2010

    This Thursday was an amazing day. The dance was really nice and the people who participated in the dance encouraged the formation of a very nice atmosphere. I was really impressed by the works of the artists who decorated the dance floor and the resting area. Those were really elaborate decorations and they were very nicely done. I had a good time today, but a lonely one as well. The one person that mattered to me the most didn't go to the dance and I had a really lonely night.
    I really don't know how I survived through all the college application processes and I am really depressed at how little time I have left in Taiwan. I know two things for sure though, I must cherish every moment I have with her and I can't always be the one the get help and support from her. It is now my turn to support her and help her out. Baring these thoughts in mind, I really couldn't enjoy the night as much as I thought I would. I miss her and all I want is to stay with her.

December 15th, 2010

    I finally have the time to type up a journal entry. I've sent out all of my online applications and I only have one envelope left that I have to send. I'm almost done with my college application but I can't feel any joy or happiness. I feel as if I could die any moment right now. Why is it that it's always those that are most important to you or those that are closest to you that harm you? I really can't find reasons to continue this pattern. I want to end this once and for all. I want to change who I am. I can no longer keep her in my heart. Everything ends right now.
    I have no answers to the questions I have in mind. I wonder why life is as it is. I wonder why I can't leave this infinite cycle of pain. How come I'm always dragged into a situation I can't leave? Why is life so difficult? I need to change myself before it is too late. I need this change before I go insane from this everlasting pain. I want an end and I need a conclusion.

December 14th, 2010

    The second day of the basketball tournament with two games to be played today. I've never had a chance to play two games on the same day in my life. It is something that I am eager to experience. People grow through experiencing new things and I really take this chance for granted. After all, there are not many chances in which we can participate in two official games on the same day.
    The first game was a really rough one. We only won by one point and the leading team was always caught up by the losing team. We were so happy that we were able to make it to the last second and win the game. I learned never to give up and watch out for personal fouls in that game. I got fouled out in 4 minutes by the first quarter in that game, which is really quick. We lost the second game, but that game taught us to work harder and become more devoted in playing basketball. I will learn from this game and become stronger.
    I spent a good night at school with her and things were alright. I'm a little worried about the college application deadlines. It's tomorrow.
   

December 13th, 2010

    Heat, pressure, fatigue, and pain. These are the only words that I can use to describe my day. Today is the first day of the Hsinchu City High School Basketball tournament and it was easy to tell that we were all nervous before the game started. We had to face up with our neighbor again, but the results of the game were not as good as we had expected. The difference between the two teams has again increased.
    The game wasn't the only thing that bothered me today, I also had an AP Psychology final in the afternoon and I had to do college application essays. It's really hard to focus under these extreme conditions. I got two essays finalized today and the test was pretty easy for me.
    We had to stay at school today for the Christmas rehearsals, so I spent more time with her and it went on to be a very pleasant night. I came home exhausted and I'm planning to go to bad real early today.

December 12th, 2010

    I'm quite nervous about the tournament tomorrow. We are about to play against our neighbors again and I hope our performance on the basketball court can improve. I just hope that the basketball tournament doesn't affect my progress for college application and I hope that I have enough time to study for my finals after the first game. I have a AP Psychology final right after the game tomorrow and I don't know if I have enough time to study for it. I also have both a final for AP European History and a final for AP Comparative Government on Wednesday.
   Time is pressuring us to finish our college application process. The seniors only have three days left starting from tomorrow. Out of the three days left, I have to spend half the time playing basketball and I really don't know if I can finish the applications on time.
    I'm a little nervous about the game tomorrow but I think we will do fine. Let's just hope we are well prepared and let us hope that we can play fluently.

December 9th, 2010

    It was a very exciting day today and we did better in our basketball game. We has a score difference of 54 points in our last game against them but we were able to shorten the gap between us. We successfully decreased the gap between the two teams to 32 to points. It was a really good game and most of us played really well when we were on court. We are doing really well in terms of progress and aggression, but we still need to work a little harder on skills and endurance.
    Even though the whole team did really well today, I'm still quite upset with my own performance on the basketball court. I made several mistakes and I was running out of both energy and time to think properly.
    Some words to Karen: Thank you very much for going out with me for dinner. Hope we have more time together.

December 8th, 2010

    We're halfway through the week and we haven't gotten anything done. Miss Pamela didn't come today and we don't have any time left for our college applications. I really doubt that we would finish everything before the 15th of December. Difficulties we face in life are really tough and we don't seem to be able to pass through this one safely. We're losing all our time with Miss Pamela and she can't make it on Friday. She has to go to the school faculty party on Friday and none of us will have time to consult our college application with her. I really wonder if we will ever finish our college applications on time.
    Life is not easy and my body is being consumed very quickly. I'm sore all over my body and I don't know what I can do about it. It has been like this since sports day. I really don't know if I can play the basketball games in the upcoming days and I really wonder if I have enough energy to finish the college applications.

December 7th, 2010

    This is the last week that for me to do my college applications. I'm out of time. Out of the twelve schools that I have, I have only sent out two online applications with the SAT scores that were supposed to be sent a long time ago. I really wonder if I can finish all my applications on time. I really don't know what will happen for me in the future and I sincerely hope that I get admitted into a university in the United States. Nothing else except for finals, basketball, college application envelopes, essays, and her.
    I'm really worried about my first semester grades and I'm very worried about the finals that are going to occur before and after the Christmas break. The dates for the finals before the Christmas break are not yet set in stone and I'm really worried that I will mess up on these finals because I won't have sufficient time to study for them.
    Give me the strength and will to survive through these last few days. I want to get admitted into the colleges I am applying for and I really want to do well in all events of the first semester.

December 6th, 2010

    I'm lost. I know what I'm supposed to do but I'm reluctant to do it because I don't want to spend a second less with her. I don't know what I'm doing and I have no idea what I actually want. I hate being confused and I hate uncertainties. I can never focus when there are uncertain things that are bothering my mind. I have to play basketball games this week and next week, I have to finish four finals by this Friday, I have TOEFL this Saturday, and I have to finish all of my collage application essays by this end of this week. There's just so much stuff that I have to do and I really don't know whether I can finish all of these things.
    My body is really exhausted from sports day and I can't even walk properly right now. I wonder how we are going to play the upcoming basketball games and I wonder if I can actually finish all my college applications processes. I can't fail any of the finals if I want to get into a good university so I have to study really hard for them. I hope everything works out well.

December 5th, 2010

    I'm so exhausted and I'm so tired. I have so many bruises and it really is hurting like hell. I liked how sports day this year went, but I didn't put too much attention on the event. There were too many distractions that were around me. It was a pretty interesting day.
    I took the IELTS on Saturday and I'm slightly worried about the score I will receive, but I think the test went pretty smoothly. There are so many tests that I have to take in the upcoming days. I have to take the finals for all of my classes and I have to take the TOEFL next Saturday. There is just so much that is going on right now.
    The day went well until just now. I'm a little upset at how things are happening. I just hope this doesn't destroy the whole basketball team.

December 2nd, 2010

    It's the second day that Miss Pamela didn't come to school and I'm getting to the peak of anxiety. We only have six days left before we are supposed to send out all of our college application forms. I don't believe we will make it on time and I really hope Miss Pamela gets better. Nothings else more except for basketball, girls, and college application or else I would really mess up my life. Somebody gave me a link that really shocked me and I would like to share this link with everybody who is obsessed with computer games.

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=10150308316350456&oid=171185796234000&comments

    Don't ever regret any decision you make and don't ever waste your life on something that is unrealistic. Fight for what you want and fight to keep what you have.

December 1st, 2010

    My progress on the college application process is still very slow and I don't think I can keep up with the pace Miss Pamela is going at. I have to work harder and cut off all other activities for the next two weeks. I have to focus on my essays, my envelope, and my online application now. There can't be anything that can take off my attention. I must work for my future and I must get into a good college. There are things I have to pay off and this is the only way.

    Disappointment and shame. It's been four years since we first played them and we have just lost to them again. I must work harder and I must let them pay for what they did today. This is not going to just end like this.

November 30th, 2010

    It's the last day of November and this is the last day that I will put my heart with her. I'm losing my place and she is uncomfortable with what we have at the instant. Things won't get any better for us so it would be best for us to end it right here. This is the last night that I will keep you in my heart and this is the last night that i will let you have my heart. I'm sorry, but I can no longer be perplexed about what I'm supposed to do and what I'm supposed to worry about. Thank you for supporting me all this time. It's time to support myself.
    It has been a whole year since I've played basketball with our neighbors and it's the last year I have to defeat the in a game. I can't afford to lose. I can't be lost in thought. All I have to do is work with everything that I have.

November 29th, 2010

    I'm not just worried now. I'm extremely worried about finishing the college application process on time. Things are not going very well and I am greatly behind the expected pace. I have to focus on college application now or I won't be able to be admitted into college. I have a few more essays I have to type, I have all my envelopes I have to finish, and I have to check and complete all the online application forms for all the school. This is driving me crazy and I can't leave this state of chaos. This is the last fight and I can't afford to lose.
    It's the same feeling for the basketball team year after year. I feel disappointed at how the basketball team is currently running. I just hope we don't mess up the games that are going to happen in a few weeks.
    I got ignored by her today and I think I know why, but it still feels depressing when it actually happens. I hope you feel better and get well soon. I have to do college applications during these two weeks so I won't be able to accompany you as long.

November 28th, 2010

    There are only two more days left in November and there are only two weeks left before our college applications are to be sent. Simply put, our next stage of life will be decided in the next two weeks. I don't really understand what this means for the moment, but I know I will have to give it my best if I want to go to college.
    Frustration and loneliness are the only feelings that I can use to describe the state I'm in. I'm frustrated at the college application process and the numerous events that will be held, but I'm also afraid that no college will admit me. I have to make something happen before I regret it. Something has got to happen and if nothing does, I will make it happen.
    The same applies for basketball as well. I will make something happen at all cost. This is my last year of high school and I don't want to let anything leave regret.

November 25th, 2010

    I'm running out of time and my schedual is being filled with more events than ever before. Sports day, IELTS, college application, essays, basketball games, and relationship problems. There are just so many problems that I can't focus on any of them at all. I want to do well on sports day, I want to pass the IElTS with a high score, I want to finish all my college applications, I want to finish all of my essays, I want to win the basketball tournement, and I want to solve my relationship problems. I have so many things I want to accomplish but I have so little time. I must hurry up.
    The boundry between normal friends and lovers is melting away. I want you to know I love you, but I'm afraid this would ruin our relationship again.

November 24th, 2010

    Large amounts of my time today was spent on nourishing myself with sleep. I don't understand the fatigue that is put upon me, but I know I have to work through it. It's just a little more than two weeks before the college applications will be finalized, but I'm far from finished. Pressure is building up for the seniors and we seem to have no way to relieve the pressure. I'm lost and I don't know what I'm supposed to do at the instance. I need time to give me the answer.
    Fear and anxiety are rushing through my mind. Fear that we might lose in the next game and anxiety to play the next game are two opposite forces that are pushing in my mind. This is a really strange feeling that the basketball player have. I want to win our next game, but I also fear losing the game. This is my senior year, my last year as a high school student. I want to make it a worthy year and I want to create a legacy for the basketball team.

November 23th, 2010

    Today is a really tiring day and I'm really exhausted. Classes were very quickly done today and there wasn't any space that my brain had to fill in. Basketball was tough and I learned a lot from today's basketball practice. People can always improve. It doesn't matter how good you are at something, you can always improve. I really got to work harder on my college application essays.
    It's been a while since I've last listened to one of the lecture by Mr. Lex. They are just as amazing as they were before. Precise but not missing out any information. Making sure that the students know what they need to know.
    I never knew shopping was that tiring. I bought three sets of new suits today and they look really nice. Don't take everything for granted; some things don't come easily. I really appreciate what my parents have done in contributing to my life and I really thank them a lot for raising me.
    Maybe were settled down now. Who knows? I really like how things are going for the two of us, but I'm also really uncertain that this would continue. I really hope it does.

November 22th, 2010

    Rage and anxiety are running through my body at every second right now. I'm really mad at the fact that someone can actually be this stupid. If you really mean what you say and if she agrees, then I have no right to criticize you or be mad at you. If you are just fucking around with other peoples' feelings and messing around with the relationships between other individual, I swear I will rip you into pieces. You can be joking with me on anything, anything except for my relationship with her. If you continuously mess around like that, then there will be no space in which we can calmly coexist in.
    It's not just people messing around with me. I also have large amounts of school work and college application essays that I have to complete. If you don't understand what pressure I'm going through, then leave me alone at the very least. I'm about to lose it, so stop pushing on my limits. This will be the last time that I tolerate things like this. I'm tired enough.

November 21th, 2010

    It has been two day since I began letting go of my feelings for her, but none of it seems to be going away. I went online today no expecting to hear anything from her, but she broke that expectation. The first thing she asked me was "Is your eye alright?" I went into a long conversation with, just going along as friends and not trying to let any of my feelings show. It just didn't work like that. I couldn't hold down my feelings. I could be just a normal friend. I just can't.
    It's not supposed to work this way. I'm not supposed to have anymore feelings for her. I'm just supposed to be a friend, nothing else. I've reached a conclusion after talking to her. The conclusion I reached may be simple, but it was a very hard decision for me to make. Why not let things go as they are? Maybe things will work out maybe they won't, but what matters is the circumstances. Let others decide how we go and let us decide if that's fit for us. Tomorrow is going to be a tough day, there is a truth that the both of us have to face.

November 19th, 2010

    After the pain that I experienced yesterday, I have to start learning how to forget. I have to learn how people forget those who were once the most important people to them. I have to learn how to give up. I have to learn how to forgive myself.
    I no longer approach her as someone who loves her. I treat her as a friend and I make sure I keep the relationship between us like we are friends.
   Just a friendly smile when we meet in the hallways, nothing else. Maybe that's how things were meant to be. Maybe that is what's best for us.

November 18th, 2010

    Some things are just impossible to get. Some people are just impossible to love. Some things are destined never to happen. When you love someone and know that they will never love you, let go of them so someone else can love them. Let go of them so you have a chance to love someone else. There are many types of love, but never let love be harm. When you love someone, it doesn't mean you have to be with them. But when you are with somebody, love them all you can.
    There are several types of love. Deep love that you can never expressed. Love that you want to give up on but you can't let go of it. Love that you know would be painful but unavoidable. Love that you know will have no outcome but you can't take your heart back.
     I've lost my chance to cherish those that were right beside me. So, never say "We will someday meet again" because it might be the last goodbye. Cherish those you love and love them all you can. When you realise that they are no longer beside you, it's already too late.
    It's a privilege for some one's feelings to be understood. It's loneliness when people are waiting for their feelings to be understood. Forgive me.

November 17th, 2010

    Today is pretty relaxing in general and there are many things that made me very happy today. I didn't have to go to school this morning because I had to get my eye checked at the eye clinic. The doctor told me that it was all external injuries and my eye would recover in a few weeks. I was relieved by the fact that there were no internal injuries and my vision was not damaged. I had a chance coaching the basketball team today and practice went really well. Both teams are getting better and I believe that we can defeat other teams in competitions.
    I loved today's English class! We were decorating the rooms with so much concentration that we didn't want to stop decorating it. AP Psychology also went really well today. I learned lots of new facts that have interested me. My college application essays are going really well, but I still have to work on the essays at a faster rate.

    I have gathered enough courage to ask the question again. I hope everything works out this time. Without action there is no outcome. I have decided to take action and I will try my best in responding to any situation that might happen.

November 16th, 2010

    The skies are dark and so is my mood. Today didn’t go by too well. I’ve lost half of my vision during an accident while playing basketball and I’m lagging behind on my college application essays for Michigan – Ann Arbor. Ann Arbor has a rolling basis, so the faster the applications are sent in, the better. It’s already nine thirty in the evening and I’m still sitting in school working on my college application essays. I don’t believe I will be able to go to bed before two in the morning today. Why do seniors have to exchange their health for a good college? I really wish somebody could answer that question.

    Pressure is building up more intensely as the due date for the college applications approach, but we can’t do anything to change it. I really hope my body holds out long enough. My eye really hurt.

    Should we continue or am I making a terrible mistake? I need your answer and I need it before I go mad. You turn your back on me when I need your support the most. How can I rely on you anymore?

November 15th, 2010

    It's been a long day today and I'm really tired. So many things are going on right now and I'm getting really confused in this whirlpool of events. I have to constantly remind myself that the college application process is going on and that I have so many essays that I haven't started yet. I'm starting to get worried about whether or not I will be admitted into any university. My academics is the second major concern that I have. If I don't get good semester grades, I might not be able to get into university. Essays and school work, it's really hard to balance between the two. Recent basketball team practices are killing my body. I hurt my leg so bad today that I had to lie on the ground for three minutes before I could stand up. It's a real pain. I really need to space my time well enough to get all these activities evenly sorted out. I'm not good at time management and I lose focus real easily. I figure that I've been losing focus in class and while I'm doing homework. This really has to change. I'm going to start managing my time and I'm going to work harder.

    I really can't stop thinking about Karen. She's starting to dominate all my thoughts. I wonder how far thing will go before Christmas arrives.