November 30th, 2010

    It's the last day of November and this is the last day that I will put my heart with her. I'm losing my place and she is uncomfortable with what we have at the instant. Things won't get any better for us so it would be best for us to end it right here. This is the last night that I will keep you in my heart and this is the last night that i will let you have my heart. I'm sorry, but I can no longer be perplexed about what I'm supposed to do and what I'm supposed to worry about. Thank you for supporting me all this time. It's time to support myself.
    It has been a whole year since I've played basketball with our neighbors and it's the last year I have to defeat the in a game. I can't afford to lose. I can't be lost in thought. All I have to do is work with everything that I have.

November 29th, 2010

    I'm not just worried now. I'm extremely worried about finishing the college application process on time. Things are not going very well and I am greatly behind the expected pace. I have to focus on college application now or I won't be able to be admitted into college. I have a few more essays I have to type, I have all my envelopes I have to finish, and I have to check and complete all the online application forms for all the school. This is driving me crazy and I can't leave this state of chaos. This is the last fight and I can't afford to lose.
    It's the same feeling for the basketball team year after year. I feel disappointed at how the basketball team is currently running. I just hope we don't mess up the games that are going to happen in a few weeks.
    I got ignored by her today and I think I know why, but it still feels depressing when it actually happens. I hope you feel better and get well soon. I have to do college applications during these two weeks so I won't be able to accompany you as long.

November 28th, 2010

    There are only two more days left in November and there are only two weeks left before our college applications are to be sent. Simply put, our next stage of life will be decided in the next two weeks. I don't really understand what this means for the moment, but I know I will have to give it my best if I want to go to college.
    Frustration and loneliness are the only feelings that I can use to describe the state I'm in. I'm frustrated at the college application process and the numerous events that will be held, but I'm also afraid that no college will admit me. I have to make something happen before I regret it. Something has got to happen and if nothing does, I will make it happen.
    The same applies for basketball as well. I will make something happen at all cost. This is my last year of high school and I don't want to let anything leave regret.

November 25th, 2010

    I'm running out of time and my schedual is being filled with more events than ever before. Sports day, IELTS, college application, essays, basketball games, and relationship problems. There are just so many problems that I can't focus on any of them at all. I want to do well on sports day, I want to pass the IElTS with a high score, I want to finish all my college applications, I want to finish all of my essays, I want to win the basketball tournement, and I want to solve my relationship problems. I have so many things I want to accomplish but I have so little time. I must hurry up.
    The boundry between normal friends and lovers is melting away. I want you to know I love you, but I'm afraid this would ruin our relationship again.

November 24th, 2010

    Large amounts of my time today was spent on nourishing myself with sleep. I don't understand the fatigue that is put upon me, but I know I have to work through it. It's just a little more than two weeks before the college applications will be finalized, but I'm far from finished. Pressure is building up for the seniors and we seem to have no way to relieve the pressure. I'm lost and I don't know what I'm supposed to do at the instance. I need time to give me the answer.
    Fear and anxiety are rushing through my mind. Fear that we might lose in the next game and anxiety to play the next game are two opposite forces that are pushing in my mind. This is a really strange feeling that the basketball player have. I want to win our next game, but I also fear losing the game. This is my senior year, my last year as a high school student. I want to make it a worthy year and I want to create a legacy for the basketball team.

November 23th, 2010

    Today is a really tiring day and I'm really exhausted. Classes were very quickly done today and there wasn't any space that my brain had to fill in. Basketball was tough and I learned a lot from today's basketball practice. People can always improve. It doesn't matter how good you are at something, you can always improve. I really got to work harder on my college application essays.
    It's been a while since I've last listened to one of the lecture by Mr. Lex. They are just as amazing as they were before. Precise but not missing out any information. Making sure that the students know what they need to know.
    I never knew shopping was that tiring. I bought three sets of new suits today and they look really nice. Don't take everything for granted; some things don't come easily. I really appreciate what my parents have done in contributing to my life and I really thank them a lot for raising me.
    Maybe were settled down now. Who knows? I really like how things are going for the two of us, but I'm also really uncertain that this would continue. I really hope it does.

November 22th, 2010

    Rage and anxiety are running through my body at every second right now. I'm really mad at the fact that someone can actually be this stupid. If you really mean what you say and if she agrees, then I have no right to criticize you or be mad at you. If you are just fucking around with other peoples' feelings and messing around with the relationships between other individual, I swear I will rip you into pieces. You can be joking with me on anything, anything except for my relationship with her. If you continuously mess around like that, then there will be no space in which we can calmly coexist in.
    It's not just people messing around with me. I also have large amounts of school work and college application essays that I have to complete. If you don't understand what pressure I'm going through, then leave me alone at the very least. I'm about to lose it, so stop pushing on my limits. This will be the last time that I tolerate things like this. I'm tired enough.

November 21th, 2010

    It has been two day since I began letting go of my feelings for her, but none of it seems to be going away. I went online today no expecting to hear anything from her, but she broke that expectation. The first thing she asked me was "Is your eye alright?" I went into a long conversation with, just going along as friends and not trying to let any of my feelings show. It just didn't work like that. I couldn't hold down my feelings. I could be just a normal friend. I just can't.
    It's not supposed to work this way. I'm not supposed to have anymore feelings for her. I'm just supposed to be a friend, nothing else. I've reached a conclusion after talking to her. The conclusion I reached may be simple, but it was a very hard decision for me to make. Why not let things go as they are? Maybe things will work out maybe they won't, but what matters is the circumstances. Let others decide how we go and let us decide if that's fit for us. Tomorrow is going to be a tough day, there is a truth that the both of us have to face.

November 19th, 2010

    After the pain that I experienced yesterday, I have to start learning how to forget. I have to learn how people forget those who were once the most important people to them. I have to learn how to give up. I have to learn how to forgive myself.
    I no longer approach her as someone who loves her. I treat her as a friend and I make sure I keep the relationship between us like we are friends.
   Just a friendly smile when we meet in the hallways, nothing else. Maybe that's how things were meant to be. Maybe that is what's best for us.

November 18th, 2010

    Some things are just impossible to get. Some people are just impossible to love. Some things are destined never to happen. When you love someone and know that they will never love you, let go of them so someone else can love them. Let go of them so you have a chance to love someone else. There are many types of love, but never let love be harm. When you love someone, it doesn't mean you have to be with them. But when you are with somebody, love them all you can.
    There are several types of love. Deep love that you can never expressed. Love that you want to give up on but you can't let go of it. Love that you know would be painful but unavoidable. Love that you know will have no outcome but you can't take your heart back.
     I've lost my chance to cherish those that were right beside me. So, never say "We will someday meet again" because it might be the last goodbye. Cherish those you love and love them all you can. When you realise that they are no longer beside you, it's already too late.
    It's a privilege for some one's feelings to be understood. It's loneliness when people are waiting for their feelings to be understood. Forgive me.

November 17th, 2010

    Today is pretty relaxing in general and there are many things that made me very happy today. I didn't have to go to school this morning because I had to get my eye checked at the eye clinic. The doctor told me that it was all external injuries and my eye would recover in a few weeks. I was relieved by the fact that there were no internal injuries and my vision was not damaged. I had a chance coaching the basketball team today and practice went really well. Both teams are getting better and I believe that we can defeat other teams in competitions.
    I loved today's English class! We were decorating the rooms with so much concentration that we didn't want to stop decorating it. AP Psychology also went really well today. I learned lots of new facts that have interested me. My college application essays are going really well, but I still have to work on the essays at a faster rate.

    I have gathered enough courage to ask the question again. I hope everything works out this time. Without action there is no outcome. I have decided to take action and I will try my best in responding to any situation that might happen.

November 16th, 2010

    The skies are dark and so is my mood. Today didn’t go by too well. I’ve lost half of my vision during an accident while playing basketball and I’m lagging behind on my college application essays for Michigan – Ann Arbor. Ann Arbor has a rolling basis, so the faster the applications are sent in, the better. It’s already nine thirty in the evening and I’m still sitting in school working on my college application essays. I don’t believe I will be able to go to bed before two in the morning today. Why do seniors have to exchange their health for a good college? I really wish somebody could answer that question.

    Pressure is building up more intensely as the due date for the college applications approach, but we can’t do anything to change it. I really hope my body holds out long enough. My eye really hurt.

    Should we continue or am I making a terrible mistake? I need your answer and I need it before I go mad. You turn your back on me when I need your support the most. How can I rely on you anymore?

November 15th, 2010

    It's been a long day today and I'm really tired. So many things are going on right now and I'm getting really confused in this whirlpool of events. I have to constantly remind myself that the college application process is going on and that I have so many essays that I haven't started yet. I'm starting to get worried about whether or not I will be admitted into any university. My academics is the second major concern that I have. If I don't get good semester grades, I might not be able to get into university. Essays and school work, it's really hard to balance between the two. Recent basketball team practices are killing my body. I hurt my leg so bad today that I had to lie on the ground for three minutes before I could stand up. It's a real pain. I really need to space my time well enough to get all these activities evenly sorted out. I'm not good at time management and I lose focus real easily. I figure that I've been losing focus in class and while I'm doing homework. This really has to change. I'm going to start managing my time and I'm going to work harder.

    I really can't stop thinking about Karen. She's starting to dominate all my thoughts. I wonder how far thing will go before Christmas arrives.